Buffy Bizarre Night of the Living Barbies
by Werewearer
Summary: From the horrorible (spelling error intentional) imaginings about the theft of Willow's Barbie.


"Buffy Bizarre: Night of the Living Barbie Dolls"   
By  
Werewearer  
  
At an espresso cafe, Willow set down her cup and smiled happily. "It's always so nice to talk to you Anya," Willow said, "even though you've reverted back to your demony ways."  
"Meet the new boss, same as the old boss'," Anya said.  
"Do you miss Xander?"  
"No, not much. I miss his hunky body, but other than that I don't remember anything about Xander Harris. Have you seen him?"  
"Yeah, the other day. And I remembered that he stole my Barbie Doll. I don't know why I remembered. I wish he'd give it back. I'd like to sell it on E-Bay."  
"So be it," Anya said. Anya granted Willow her wish. Though incapable of doing a vengance spell herself, Anya could do one on Xander, if somebody else wished it.  
"Uh, Anya," Willow said, looking suspiciously at Anya. "You didn't just put the whammy on Xander, did you?"  
"You roll 'em, I smoke 'em."  
"Yeah, Anya, but I don't want revenge on Xander. I was just talking, ya know? Like conversation?"  
"Yeah? Well, you're wishing it for me, in my place. You don't know it, but I've been pining for somebody to wish something bad for him. And you just did it. I'm taking full advantage of that."  
After Anya's spell, barbie dolls started coming to life all over Sunnydale. They startled their owners when they stood up, and walked. And the dolls traded in their barbie gear for anything sharp or pointed. If you pushed back their lips, you'd see...fangs! Barbie dolls marched in the street in columns, and they made in one direction, so that by suppertime countless barbie dolls marched toward Xander's apartment building, in a loose bunch, like a small species of dinosaurs from "the Lost World."   
"Let's pretend to be Xander's dolls," West Coast Barbie said insincerely.  
"Yeah," Urban Pizza Delivery Barbie said. "That ought to give us an advantage!"  
"You know?" Fledgling Attorney Barbie said, "we kinda move like small dinosaurs from "The Lost World."  
"You mean 'Julienneosaurus Prix?'" Cowgirl Barbie said.   
"Duh. But who the f&%* would know the technical name?" Toxic Cleanup Barbie said.  
"Shuttup and march," Vampire Hunter Barbie said.  
"Chomp and Chew Time," Chicago Barbie screamed.  
The barbie dolls converged on Xander's apartment. Spike, talking to himself when the Barbie dolls broke down the front door, screamed and ran. Xander, hearing the ruckus ran out of the bedroom. "What the he--!" He said, standing in the bedroom doorway.  
"Hi Xander," QB's Girlfriend Barbie said.  
"Oh, my," Xander said, confronting hundreds of vicious looking barbie dolls, fangs dripping. "Uh, do I know you?"  
"We have a website devoted to you, dude," Sideline Reporter Barbie said.  
"Yeah," Cigarette Target Market Barbie said. "We're not the victimless crime victims you imagined us to be."  
The barbies started chanting, "We're Back! We're Back!" a buzzing gossipy sound, rising in crescendo, causing Xander to step back into his bedroom. "Darn," Xander mutterd. "This is gonna ruin my reputation."  
Xander fled through the bedroom window and when he reached the street, he gazed at the Apartment building. The barbie dolls milled inside, wringing their tiny hands and slobbering over each other. Xander looked up and down the street. Empty. He stuffed his hands in his pockets, like everything was normal, and strode away. "This is too weird for anybody to understand," he said.  
Air Traffic Control Barbie saw him leave, and she alerted the others. The Barbie dolls fell over each other getting out the front door, and they crashed into the street, where they broke up, and set chase to the malicious boy who stole them so long ago.   
Xander reached the new Sunnydale High School, oblivious to the chasing barbies, and spotted Buffy and Willow outside, leaving a PTA meeting. He nonchalantly approached, as though the evening had been as uneventful as a bus ride. He said "hi", but Buffy and Willow stared at something behind him.   
"What's that, Xander?" Willow said, seeing the sea of little plastic creatures on an ever approaching horizon.  
""What th--?" Xander said, wheeling. "I have no idea. It has nothing to do with me."  
"Then why are they following you?" Buffy said.  
"Following me?" Xander said. "What makes you think they're following me?"  
"'Cause they're looking at you," Willow said. "Say...isn't that my barbie doll leading them?"  
"What barbie doll?" Xander said. He suddenly regretted saying it.  
"The one you stole, Xander Harris," Willow said.  
"Are you sure, Will? Because I don't know any of those Barbie dolls."  
"They're coming for you, aren't they?" Buffy said earnestly.  
Xander went zipper face, and walked stoically into the new Sunnydale High. Once inside, he remembered the floor plans and ran to the back exit and disappeared.   
Outside, Buffy confronted the horde of barbie dolls. "You can't go in there," she said. "I won't let you."  
"Cut the bull, Bitch," Cheerleader Barbie said. "You can't stop all of us!" The monster jumped at Buffy, and Buffy kicked her in mid air. The Barbie doll sailed onto the roof of the High School, but three more Barbies attacked Buffy. Willow fled inside. Buffy brushed off the Barbies like bugs, but many barbie dolls ran past her, so, realizing she could do nothing, Buffy swung her fists at as many passing barbies as she could. In the end, she'd only knocked out a half dozen. The rest ran through the high school, following Xander's scent. In minutes, the barbies had crashed through the back exit, and spotted Xander a few blocks away, running.  
Xander stumbled down a dark street, and realized he had arrived at the graveyard. "Good," he muttered. "They'll never find me in here."  
The gate creaked when he opened it and the Barbie dolls heard it. They followed him into the shadowy graveyard, and surrounded him at the foot of a venerable oak tree.  
"We have you now!" Equal Pay for Equal Work Barbie screeched with pleasure.  
Xander could see nothing in the graveyard, with the white head stones standing silently. So he jumped into the tree and climbed up. From his vantage, he could now see Buffy coming through the graveyard gate. "Buffy!" Xander hissed. "Over here!"  
"She can't help you," Tree frog Barbie said, starting up the tree.  
"Yeah," Supreme Court Justice Barbie said. "You have committed crimes, Xander. You'll pay for it."  
Buffy arrived, staring at Xander in the tree. She circled the dolls, but did not interfere.   
"Buffy?" Xander said. "You're gonna take care of these demons, right?"  
"I don't understand this, Xander," Buffy said. "What's it all about?"  
"We're the dolls Xander stole," Thelma and Louise Barbie said. "We're going to kill him."  
"You stole more than one?"  
"Gulp," Xander said. A tear rolled down his cheek. "Yeah."  
"If you're think You're gonna eat his entrails," Buffy said, "it's not gonna happen. But I agree, Xander will have to pay."  
"Buffy," Xander said. "It's ancient history. Years ago."  
"That's true," Buffy said. "But Willow told me about Anya's vengance spell. That's why the barbie dolls are here. Because of Anya."  
"Anya?"  
"Yeah, the girl you left at the alter."  
"Oh, her. Anya."  
"You left me lying in a garbage can," Victoria's Secret Barbie said.  
"You threw me to a dog," Big boned barbie said.  
"And you left me on the bus," Commuter barbie said.  
"Hmmm..." Buffy said. "You abandoned these barbie dolls?"  
"Buffy, I don't remember where I left the barbie dolls. It's so long ago. I don't remember."  
"You'll probably forget where you left Anya, too."  
"There's no comparison.:"  
"Okay, okay," Buffy said. "What will it take to resolve this?"  
The barbie dolls stopped for a moment and thought. "Xander will have to return us to our rightful owners. That will satisfy the vengance demon."  
"Xander?" Buffy said. "Do you agree to return the barbie dolls to their owners?"  
"I don't know who the owners are?"  
"Then I guess your work's cut out for you."  
The barbie dolls stepped away from the tree satisified, and Xander skinnied down. "I suppose I have to do this, otherwise you'll never go away."  
"Right."  
The next day, still worried about his reputaiton, Xander returned Willow her barbie doll. "I'm starting with you," Xander said sheepishly, "'cause you're the only one I actually remember. Is this yours'?"  
"Gee," Willow said, smiling. "Wicca Barbie. Xander, you're such a sweetie." 


End file.
